And everything in between.
A couple of weeks ago, you would have found me mostly meditating upon my intention to transform my identity from high-flying entrepreneur-who-lives-on-zoom to homemaker-who-has-created-a-meaningful-life-within-five-miles-of-her-house.
Journalling on what this woman would and wouldn’t do, who she would and wouldn’t hang out with, how her days would be shaped.
This has given me both heart-expanding moments that brought me to tears and also a virtuous feeling, similar to when you’ve managed to give up eating sugar for two weeks. I felt as if I was cleaning up my act, following my heart, finding something deeper and truer about myself. Conscious creation of a life well lived.
My life is a series of experiments and I was trying on her clothes to see how they fit me.
And then real life showed up. Two launches, back to back; one a set of limited fine art prints, one the opening of The Flower Club for five days and the gym I made a commitment to, the hospice I would volunteer at and the floaty dresses I would wear couldn’t be seen for dust.
Instead of calm conscious creation of a beautiful life, there were speedy photo shoots of art when the sun shone and reels being made about flowers and cardboard tubes being ordered and hours of sleep missed and emails written and more wine drunk than is good for me.
And I was alive and I was chaotic and I was on fire and in my creative fucking element.
I don’t know if this behaviour of the last two weeks is
a) a demonstration of what’s truly a priority to me because if you watch anyone, you see what they are actually committed to (not what they say or would like to think they are committed to). Home-maker usurped by entrepreneur. Conscious creation usurped by chaos. Calmness usurped by delight and activity. Or
b) simply my old conditioning turning up to run the show as my system went into adrenaline and drive (aka fear)
I don’t have the answer.
I think the fact that I can’t tell you the difference between the feeling of fear and the feeling of delight is something for me to take some time with. And the fact that my next collection of original art is called ‘Balance’ 😂😂.
So instead of answers, I have questions for you this week:
Alongside all the plans and intentions you might have, if a camera had been following you around over the past two weeks, what would we see your priorities really are?
Can we ever get comfortable with the fact that we are all of the things, changing from one moment to the next, and dancing in the unknown?
Answers on a postcard please.
(or in the comments below).