Re-Dreaming Her Story

Once upon a time there lived a woman who didn’t feel anything.

She desperately wanted to mother her children and live in a family full of warmth and happiness but everyone seemed sad and she didn’t really know how to do the mothering thing. She was undesired, her home was ugly and she did felt no satisfaction role as a daughter or sister or wife or mother, and yet this was all she longed for. Her body did not feel like that of a woman; it was fat and her clothes did not fit her well. She yearned for deep conversation and to share the inside of her heart with another woman in her village over coffee and wine and her loneliness ached.

To run away from this feeling of unloveable-ness, she worked. She set big goals and turned her hand to making piles of money using a borrowed masculine energy, flavoured with aggressiveness, impatience and urgency. She bulldozed ahead following every whim of her busy mind and left a trail of unfinished projects and chaos behind her.

She had abandoned her body and heart and so all that was left was her fast intellectual mind and the ability to power through in a relentless quest to prove her worth and value, as she had done since childhood in her attempts to be noticed and seen. She sought recognition and validation, and was celebrated by many, but inside was secretly scared and fearful much of the time.

She made all the money there was to be made, but still, she was empty.

She found spirituality, but it pointed her only further away from the realness of her flesh and body and into the formless where there were no breasts or hips or women or men.

But then, one day, when she had made all the money and done all the things; when her children had gone for days without speaking to her and her body was exhausted but she could no longer sleep, she found herself alone in her office where she had created a cocoon to hide away from it all.

She felt the stirrings of something inside and she realised the unhappiness of her life was all related to her womanliness.

That her lack of being mothered, her volatile father, her reckless sharing of her body when young and turning away her femininity once married, the numbing of it once a mother was the root of it all.

And so she began to awaken. To warm slowly, to become curious about what it meant to be a woman, fully expressed in both body and soul.

She begain to paint, to seek out the company of women, to soften; to warm. Sensuality was remembered, her womb filled with gentle flowing colour and her cheeks began to glow. She started to fill out her skin; she saw that she was soil and stardust both.

The people around her began to be drawn towards this woman, seeking out her company and love. Her body was alive and full of warmth so her children hugged her and their hearts connected deeply. This woman began to heal them, just through their spending time in the fullness of her being and her ability to listen as she no longer to prove herself - she finally, finally stopped talking.

From all parts of the land, other women were drawn to her where they felt safe to re-dream their own stories and discover their own authentic voice, creativity and truth.

She. no longer needed to hide away and released her office space to move her work back into her home where all were welcome to drop in, and they did. She allowed them in, she welcomed them, she was available.

She realised her whole life she had been trying to get ‘them’ to like her with an outward pushing but when she became a woman, all were drawn in and curious to learn from her wisdom; they were lit by the fullness of her.

Her husband noticed this woman moving around the house. She remembered the lusciousness of her body too and treated it with reverence with nourishment and movement, the softest clothes and warmest blankets.

She want to bed at night replete.

Glowing, satisfied and allowing of all the support freely offered to her.

She made, she created, she nurtured and tended. At her hands, beauty sprang from her paintbrush, keyboard and mouth. Into her home and garden.

All that was required was the deep earthly awakening of the woman.

Soil and stardust both.

Every part of her life had been calling out for this, so loudly, always.

And it turned out she was the key to unlocking it all.