At 51, I Became A Woman

There’s something about reaching the middle part of our lives, as women, that changes us.

Not just the hormonal and physical changes, though those may have their part to play, but inside our hearts and minds.

When I was 41, after years of ambitious striving and ‘high performance’, I reached the revenue goal for my business that I’d been dreaming of. And the same year I burned out and fell apart.

What collected my blown apart pieces was the simple phrase that came to me: “There has to be more to life than this.”

It’s only with hindsight, ten years later, that I realise it was the woman deep inside starting to awaken.

That sounds insane, after all I’d had three children, become a wife, prided myself on being a ‘successful female entrepreneur’ in a software world dominated by men. I had boobs, hips and thighs, I even had a couple of dresses and pairs of high heels.

And yet every part of me was being driven by a male energy of being productive, working hard, achievement and goal-oriented. I was a fast action taker, which was applauded, a high-achiever, so invited up on stages to demonstrate what it took to be successful, and given a book publishing contract because of the size of audience I had generated through my hard work and grafting.

Back to the whisper: ‘There has to be move to life than this” and I began seeking for a more meaningful, deeper realm to life. I found kind teachers and profound teachings, inspiration, and life-changing  insights. I found myself coaching, teaching and out of nowhere falling in love with my garden and growing flowers.

But with each evolution, each heart-pull of the feminine, the conditioned mind swept in and turned this thing into a new way to fit into our more masculine culture; an excuse to seek recognition, a new way to over-work, an intense focus on achievement and strategies. Even the simple whisper of ‘Why don’t you turn your rose farm (the name of our house) back into a rose farm?’ that landed in my consciousness out of the blue as I awoke one morning quickly became a ‘productive cut flower patch’ and a successful online business.

Ten years since the first pangs of something deeper; ten years of the heart continuing to unfold, gently peeling back the petals to show me previously unseen depths; ten years of so nearly seeing but failing to see what was truly being offered up – an invitation to the feminine.

What is the feminine energy? It’s only when it occurred to me to google these words that I found others that instantly resonated.

Words like life force, nurture, reflection, creativity, sensuality, transformation, tenderness, beauty, nature, unfolding, harmony, intuition, receptive, depth, connection, sacred, service, natural rhythms, being.

These are the words that have been calling me all these years.

With curiosity and openness I want to explore and honour this expression of feminine energy in my life.

And now, at 51 I am a woman who wants to unfold her heart.