Soil & Stardust

Another pivot?

(Painting by me)

Yes, I’ve changed the name of my Substack publication again. Why?

Because “I am large, I contain multitudes” to quote Walt Whitman. As I begin to emerge from the caterpillar soup of the cocoon where I’ve been recovering from the midlife shit show, it’s impossible to pin myself down….yet.

Instead, this week, I have been journalling on the before and after of menopause: the transition from Mother to Crone. And here is what I discovered (I request compassion when you read, for these are the truths of my heart and some may be shallow but at least they are honest):

Before: The goal is all about the numbers. Likes, revenue, list size, sales. What can I do to manipulate these? Best get my head busy figuring this out.

After: The goal is satisfaction and pleasure of the senses. Did I enjoy today? Does my body like this?

Before: Being lit up by something always means being fizzy, exploding with energy and obsessed to the point of being unable to sleep or think of anything else.

After: Being lit up is the warm glow in my belly when I’m fully engaged in something I love to do, with occasional sparks of the above, but fewer, the older I become.

Before: I have to feel that fizzy exploding energy and be fired up to work on something and if I’m not then I can’t and shouldn’t have to.

After: I can do ordinary things.

Before: It’s not worth undertaking any new venture unless I can see how it has the potential to bring in a seven-figure revenue.

After: I make enough to pay the bills.

Before: If it doesn’t happen fast, it’s not going to work. All successful businesses grow fast in my experience. Faster is better.

After: It’s safe to grow slowly. Slower is richer.

Before: My value comes from being recognised by others as one who is a high-achieving superstar.

After: I value myself for the simple capacity I have to channel beauty.

Before: I need to sell all of my writing and all of my art to make a living and have it be worthwhile to do.

After: My art and writing is for my own pleasure and self-expression. Others may enjoy it, if they are drawn to it.

Before: I need to create a body of work. I better work out what that is and quick before I die!

After: I am my body of work. Job done.

Before: I am the breadwinner so have to always be thinking about what moves to make to support my family.

After: I allow myself to receive financial support.

Before: I am an extraordinary high-performing, highly-successful unicorn.

After: I am an ordinary woman.

This last one was the kicker. I unpinned the high-achiever badge and my shoulders dropped about a mile. A wash of relief. If there’s no need to rush or any pinnacle to achieve, life can be about enjoying the process of living it. The ‘afters’ are so simple.

And as an ordinary woman, I get to be more wife and mother, the things I only ever wanted in the first place.

And so we return to the name Soil & Stardust.

Soil

Our expression and experience as we walk this earth. Making things, feeling things, being in relationships, taking action. For me that looks like a life where I can make art, have barbecues, put my hands into the soil and grow flowers, fold laundry, play my hand-pan, go to dance class, drive my kids to college and nightclubs, write poetry, set up a not-for profit, lie in the sun reading novels, swim, call my sisters, learn how to paint sunsets, go on a date with my husband, take a new class, drink pink wine with my friends and write inside my journal for me, and here for you.

I had imagined freedom looked like an empty diary and a full bank account. Now it looks like having a rich tapestry of a life where I can select from any of the above and bring myself pleasure. With a trust that somehow, paying the bills gets taken care of.

That’s a long list of things, I know. See the other half of the equation…

Stardust

What our Human Design has to do with all.

I’m a Manifesting Generator - here to make and create things, here to be multi-passionate and have my fingers in many pies. Our culture encourages us to find one thing and stick to it. Great advice for a Generator - not so much for me. It has and is taking me years to undo this conditioning, and the more into alignment I come, the better I feel in my body each day. Hence the multitude of things on the list.

I have a line 1 in my profile - I will forever be learning. I’m here to study how things work (gardening, creativity, Human Design, the spiritual nature of life, art etc) and share that knowledge with the collective. I’m here to provide a foundation..

I have a line 3 in my profile - I’m here to experiment, pivot (could you guess??) and try allllll the things so I can share from my own lived experience what works and what doesn’t. From all of these projects above, perhaps opportunities will come into my world that I respond to in a way that pull me more in the direction of one of these. Or not. Only time will tell.

And I have gate 46 for both my Pluto placements, meaning I am on a life long journey of learning how to move from living in my head to deep embodiment - this, in part, explains my move from chasing numbers with my intellect to a focus on feeling good in my body through enjoying each one of the senses.

That’s MY Human Design (a small part of it, anyway). Your ‘before’ and ‘after’ exercise will yield different results to mine; set a timer for ten minutes and try it.

What constitutes your soil - your self-expression and what makes a rich life for you will be unique to you.

And given we are made of stardust, your Human Design is a treasure map holding the clues as to how your particular constellation of light is designed to shine.

This is what I intend for us to explore here together.

Nic x

PS. I wrote this post, with the same name, back in January 2024. At the time I was dreaming of a future and what my heart yearned for. I include it now here for you because all of what was dreamed for has come to be. And I think that’s amazing.