Eight Ways I Moved Through the Midlife Tumult

Any more you'd like to add?

I have been gathering women for decades through my many eras. This week I have brought them all here to Substack, plus had a whole bunch of new subscribers so firstly, hi 🙋‍♀️ !!!! You are so welcome here at The Third Chapter, a place where I offer inspiration and encouragement to women at midlife and beyond.

I was 48 years and 1 month old when my world crumbled. “I don’t think she’s happy” said one of my daughters to me about the other. And with that my world slowly-then-all-at-once changed from one where impact in my business and A grades from the kids were my measures of success, to being able to answer the question “Is everyone still breathing?” in the affirmative at the end of each day.

I don’t want to delve into the details here; the stories are my children’s to tell if they ever want to, but I will say from the perspective of their mother I spent the next four years in the accident and emergency ward, the eating disorder clinic, psychiatrist and psychologist offices, meetings with schools, social workers, SEND officers, EHCP advisors, nurses, police and ambulance staff. Choking down fear and filling in paperwork.

And then my mum died in the middle of all of it.

Alongside the sudden onset of hot sweats, sleepless nights, on/off random heavy bleeding and forgetting how to get out of a carpark and driving round in circles in a panic for what felt like hours.

Here’s what got me through the following four years of the darkest times, what helped, what means I’m standing where I am today.

1. My understanding of how life works for all of us, which I had, by some divine plan, been immersed in learning and teaching for the prior seven years. This I have written about here. What I knew was not immediately practical while sitting helpless next to a child curled up in a ball rocking back and forth or driving to the hospital for the second time that week, breaking the speed limit. But it did mean that despite having experienced panic attacks for two decades up to the age of 42, I did not have a single one during this period, and I did not end up in the psychiatrist’s chair. My feet were firmly rooted. Turns out this is all that is needed to survive a crisis.
   

2. The first Human Design reading I ever had was where I was told, “You’re right on time,” and introduced to the idea of the Chiron return. This is a planetary alignment that happens for most around the ages of 48-52. I’m such a stickler for timing, I was spot on. (I even had all 3 babies on their due dates!). Known as The Wounded Healer, Chiron brings us life lessons and gifts at this time to evolve us for what will be required in our third chapters. (Workshop on that available here if you’re curious). This reassured me this was a time-limed shit-show and I needed to hear it. Understanding the Human Design of my children was also immensely helpful (my husband and I are Manifesting Generators and all three of them are Projectors - duh!!).
   

3. Individuals that showed up at the precise moment I gave up and could not figure out what to do next, and there were many of these. The family therapist who taught us Non-Violent Resistance, the youth worker who took my daughter for coffee, the psychiatrist who finally prescribed medication, the occupational therapist that helped us see when the kids had started to recover but we were still walking on eggshells. My sisters. Friends that took me out for pink wine. Books and poems that crossed my path at the perfect moment. There are so many wise and kind people in the world and they will always appear as guides when you need them.
   

4. An example of this: where I had been holding a story of blaming myself for this awful predicament (after all not one, not two, but all three kids struggling, surely this must be my fault somehow?), a friend heard me speaking and told me ‘I think your children have chosen YOU as the parents they needed when they came here to have this struggle’ which turned the whole thing upside down, and made me burst into tears. I thought I knew what would be helpful. The things that are are usually a surprise.
   

5. Having my hands in real things and interacting with the physical world instead of being only in my head. Life took me out into the garden to sow seeds and grow flowers. And then to gather paintbrushes and paint for the first time in forty-five years. I bought a hand-pan, did the washing up, folded the laundry and cleaned the windows. Grounded myself in the real world, not the future-disaster-movie playing in my mind.
   

6. Giving up the idea of control and being available just for THIS moment. This surrender took a while. I make shit happen but I was unable to fix this, though I tried with all my body, heart and soul. And after I had pulled out every tool, pushed for every professional support and used all my ‘professional’ expertise, all to no avail, I realised that all I could do was lock away all medication and sharp edges and stand at the edge of the trampoline with my hands raised ready to catch as they bounced all over the place on their own arduous hair-raising journeys.
   

7. Writing. In the worst of times I could not speak or write about what was going on, except to my husband and professionals; it was wrapped in shame and guilt and fear. At the start of 2024, as the drama began to calm, I began a writing class with Jules Swales. She taught me how to go deep into myself and pull the words out. I was ready then and I wrote about nothing else for the next year of class.
   

8. Older women. Fuck me, they were a godsend. This was the first time in my life the age of those I listened to mattered. They heard my story, they nodded, they understood the nature of this life-coming-at-me-from-all-sides experience even if they couldn’t comprehend the horror of the details. And they told me, “It’s all going to be OK”. I put my faith in them because I knew they knew.

And they were right. 54 years old now and we are on the long tail of the chaos bellcurve. Remnants of the aftermath remain (getting school back on track, autoimmune issues and physical pain all the fallout still being dealt with) but I have stood down from high alert.

I wanted to be changed by menopause. I see it as sacred awakening. I don’t want to be bopping around like I did in my thirties, ambitious, driven and an over-achiever trying to win.

Those four years caused me to strengthen my back and soften my belly. I found my calling. I am a different woman now, all of what passed a necessary initiation for the work I do now, sitting here, writing to you.

These are the key themes you will see me share here at The Third Chapter:

1. We are all the same. My spiritual understanding about how life works for every single one of us. The oneness behind life. The peace that exists underneath the noise.

2. We are all the same but half of us are different. I write for women. To let women going through their own tumult know ‘It’s all going to be OK’ and learn from those who are my elders - to explore what it look like to create and live as fully-expressed women.

3. We are all the same but half of us are different and we are all unique. I consider Human Design to be a treasure map for discovering our unique purpose and guide to our third chapters.

I will share with you from the path I have walked, no theories here, just lived experience.

And I will continue to walk this path with you as we all discover what this third chapter thing is really all about.

Thank you for reading this far. I would love for you to take a moment to comment below and say hi and how our paths might have crossed in the past. If you’re a woman in the middle of her midlife shift, share what’s helpful from above. And if you’re an elder, a few words of wisdom for those still going through it would be much appreciated by us all.

Here’s to a beautiful, rich and wise Third Chapter, unlike anything we’ve ever known before.

Nic x